Saturday, July 13, 2013

Follow the Leader

Derailment can be caused by an gigantic boulder or sometimes a small pebble.  What caused this most recent crash. A crash left me depressed, unmotivated and exhausted again. I sit here seeking the reason why it takes so very little for me to become hurt, to crave the ice cold tingle of vodka, or the creamy cheesy liquid of the beefy nacho griller or a bag of almond M&M’s.
On the 19th I posted about a fight with a co-supervisor. That aforementioned supervisor filed a grievance, hostile work environment accusation against me.  During my Gallup vacation, I soared. I was relaxed and happy. I did a pretty good job of staying on my diet and walking.  I was able to feel attractive and sexual with my male friend who came to Gallup.
The day after I returned, I was issued the NOI and I’ve been self-examining my feelings, motivations and actions. What role did I play? How culpable am I? What can I change? What is my motivation for working? What rewards do I need? Am I rationalizing?
I want to be a leader. Charismatic.  Efficient. Empathetic. Strong. Approachable. Likeable. Trustable. Intelligent. Competent. Caring. I just don’t know how to do it.
All my favorite heros and leaders are not the ideal the City of Phoenix is looking for. Captain Kirk. Jethro Gibbs. Hope Hubris, Space Tyrant. Xena and Hercules. Special Agent Pendergast.  I want to be like that hard assed but well-loved colonel whose troops love him because he works as hard as they do, even harder and always protects them and fights for them against the upper brass echelons.

 I’m not quiet and reserved. I don’t appear to reach out and touch the hearts of those around me. I appear aloof and arrogant (I think). Hard work isn’t enough. I’m not sure what is. But I want to figure it out. I’d like to reduce the number of harpies that inhabit my head and make strafing attacks when things aren’t going well at work. I will change them into beautiful fairy godmothers who will grant me the insight to become what I envision.