Derailment can be caused by
an gigantic boulder or sometimes a small pebble. What caused this most recent crash. A crash
left me depressed, unmotivated and exhausted again. I sit here seeking the
reason why it takes so very little for me to become hurt, to crave the ice cold
tingle of vodka, or the creamy cheesy liquid of the beefy nacho griller or a
bag of almond M&M’s.
On the 19th I
posted about a fight with a co-supervisor. That aforementioned supervisor filed
a grievance, hostile work environment accusation against me. During my Gallup vacation, I soared. I was
relaxed and happy. I did a pretty good job of staying on my diet and
walking. I was able to feel attractive
and sexual with my male friend who came to Gallup.
The day after I returned, I
was issued the NOI and I’ve been self-examining my feelings, motivations and
actions. What role did I play? How culpable am I? What can I change? What is my
motivation for working? What rewards do I need? Am I rationalizing?
I want to be a leader.
Charismatic. Efficient. Empathetic.
Strong. Approachable. Likeable. Trustable. Intelligent. Competent. Caring. I
just don’t know how to do it.
All my favorite heros and
leaders are not the ideal the City of Phoenix is looking for. Captain Kirk.
Jethro Gibbs. Hope Hubris, Space Tyrant. Xena and Hercules. Special Agent
Pendergast. I want to be like that hard
assed but well-loved colonel whose troops love him because he works as hard as
they do, even harder and always protects them and fights for them against the
upper brass echelons.
I’m not quiet and reserved. I don’t appear to
reach out and touch the hearts of those around me. I appear aloof and arrogant
(I think). Hard work isn’t enough. I’m not sure what is. But I want to figure
it out. I’d like to reduce the number of harpies that inhabit my head and make strafing
attacks when things aren’t going well at work. I will change them into
beautiful fairy godmothers who will grant me the insight to become what I
envision.
